Trip to America Day 1: The Journey

I began the day by "Waking up" in my Yotel room exhausted. I thought I'd get to the check-in early so decided to get out of my small cabin (the place isn't that bad - as long as you don't suffer from claustrophobia!) immediately and make my way to the north terminal. I am at this point barely conscious but make my way to the boarding counter and attempt to not look like a terrorist. I've actually shaved today (and got my hair cut on bank holiday) so that no-one will suspect anything... Anyway, I travel through security, slightly irked that the Chinese woman in front of me looks more suspicious than me. Why can't I be patted down hey!?

Chris has told me that on his 8 hour flight to America (BA) he was hardly served any food or drink so I prepare for starvation by grabbing one of those triple-decker sandwiches that somehow manages to have about half your daily calorie intake in them.

I soon learn however once boarding the plane that this was a mistake. Perhaps because I'm on Delta (an American airline) they realise their customers are going to have bigger appetites. Or perhaps they just care more... Anyway for the next 8 hours we are force fed. Beginning with the complimentary peanuts, a roasted vegetable pasta dish which comes with bread, cheese and crackers, a small salad and an oatmeal cookie - this is followed by a mid-flight ice cream and an hour before we land we are given pizza and a shortbread. OK - I could have said no to any of these things - but the airhostesses are so smiley and the food is free (Plymothian background taking over) that everyone, myself included accepts the food - except for a very skinny girl who pretends to be asleep whenever the food comes around...

The air hostesses are very keen. Two of them literally stalked the aisles with free complimentary water. In fact, if I had wanted to I'm sure I could have had about 20 complimentary (non alcoholic) drinks... I tried to throw a little spanner in the works by asking for a coffee when one came around with just water but this seemed to please her even more. There was a rather amusing moment when I asked one air hostess for a serviette (I'm not even sure why I used this term). She just gave me a completely blank look and then said (rather loudly) - 'I'm sorry sir, do you mean napkin - we don't speak French here'

The trip itself was fine. I filled in the visa waiver after making sure I had ticked 'no' to the questions - Are you (or have you ever been) a terrorist? Are you (or have you ever been) a spy? I liked the clauses they put in just to make sure they got you! I dosed but had trouble sleeping because I had sat behind a rather irritating old woman who managed to push back her chair as humanly possible GRR!

After 8 hours (in which 3 REALLY BAD films had played -The Bucket List, 27 Dresses, Treasure Hunt 2/3/4 - oh Helen Mirren what were you thinking) we arrived at Cincinnati! Woohoo! From above, this city looked like suburbia heaven and what really surprised me was the amount of trees (presumably real ones) and greenery which surrounded the suburbs.

I now waited for two hours until my connection. Again rather annoyingly I passed immigration without any problems - I clearly just do not look Kurdish enough... While waiting I visited the airport 'restrooms' or toilets as the uncivilised call them. I really do not understand why there are so many gaps in these toilets - Is it simply to stop cottaging/gay love!? Not only are there half-inch wide gaps on either side of the front door but you could also squeeze under the toilet next to you. Not that I did this of course... I guess this gives a rather communal feel but I prefer the enclosed British toilets where you can't eye up the hairy leg next to you...

Finally, my plane for Kalamazoo came. Our airhostess for this plane was called Cindy - she was very lovely - but she was a BIG lady and had some trouble walking through the aisle. We landed and I could appreciate Kalamazoo in all its glory as I waited for my shuttle outside arrivals. Everytime a car passed I thought it was my shuttle but it just happened to be an American car... While I was waiting I found it amusing that one of my prejudices was confirmed - a sheriff Kalamazoo county car/van (with no-one in it) had just been left to wait with its engine on...

I arrived at Holiday Inn West around 6pm to be greeted by the friendliest receptionist I've ever met. This throws your gaydar a little - isn't it also funny that being friendly is a sign of homosexuality. Friendliness of any sort always throws me- and we British must come across as such miserable people. Anyway, I was also slightly confused by the question ‘How many keys do you need?' and was tempted to say 6 but chickened out and asked for 1.

Perhaps I was at the best Holiday Inn ever but the room was about the equivalent of a three or four star hotel in England. I had two double beds with a flat screen TV and ensuite (with 11 assorted white towels). I was also confronted by a pillow menu when I arrived and it meant during the night I could go from hard pillow to soft pillow depending on my mood... The only bugbear was it had fake curtains which don't close - this annoys me but because I was completely shattered I fell into a deep deep sleep.
More tomorrow where I will give my initial impressions of the Zoo conference...